


All That's Fair

by AlphaStarr



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Iambic Pentameter, M/M, Romantic Comedy, Shakespearean Era AU, Theater - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-13
Updated: 2013-10-29
Packaged: 2017-12-26 11:33:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 10,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/965465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlphaStarr/pseuds/AlphaStarr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A tale of humor and a tale of love,<br/>Out of Shakespearean, long ago times.<br/>Mostly, it's a tale that says I can prove<br/>Myself as a writer of epic rhymes.<br/>A princess who refuses to be wed<br/>Dresses a page in her own disguises.<br/>The prince who is about to share her bed<br/>Is in for more than a few surprises!<br/>A different heir is in love with his bro,<br/>And they, as lovers are, are besotted.<br/>Feelings between all the parties will grow<br/>As an assassination is plotted.<br/>This is a story of devotion true<br/>In iamb's pentameter and AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cast and Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> A short, three-act fanfiction in the form of a play.
> 
> Stage directions are written in [brackets] and italicized. 
> 
>  
> 
> “Jehanne” is just a fancy French spelling for a feminine name pronounced exactly like “John” to the average ear. Any time it appears, it is to be pronounced exactly like “John”.
> 
>  
> 
> All of Dave's and Dirk's lines are to be rapped. No exceptions.
> 
>  
> 
> Also special thanks to fujibutts for beta-reading this for me. oUo

**CAST**

King Crocker, ruler of Prospit  
Jane Crocker, his daughter  
Jehanne Egbert, the king's niece  
Jake, Jane's page.

Jade, the good witch  
Rose, an apprentice dressmaker

Diedrick Strider the Third, “Dirk”, crown prince of Derse  
Dave Strider, his brother  
Roxy, their cousin and adviser  
Servant who follows Dirk around, beat-boxing to all of his raps

Lords, servants, a scribe, and chorus.

* * *

**PROLOGUE**

CHORUS:

Two kingdoms, both alike in dignity,  
Set in fair Skaia where we lay our scene,  
Are embroiled in years of enmity:  
A true disaster that they must now clean.  
For sixteen years has this tragedy wrought--  
Of endless destruction this was the source  
The kings thus decided peace must be brought  
And tidings to come must then show remorse.  
Naught short of a union could there be now,  
To end all the years of embittered war.  
A treaty was made by some other how  
Than negotiations forever more.  
   The resulting facts lie on the next Page:  
   This tale is for which we must set the stage.

[ _exeunt_ ]


	2. Act I, Scene 1

[ _A palace in Prospit. The KING and JANE stand in the room._ ]

KING:  
A page, a page! Where is that consarned page?

JANE:  
'Tis but an hour ago you sent Jake.  
It be a long journey from here to Derse,  
And oft does the courier arrive late.

KING:  
'Tis wise what you say, and I may be proud,  
But I cannot help await my letters.  
Arrives today the post from mine rival,  
Derse's royals with whom we have feuded.

JANE:  
That treacherous queen! Why, she'll rue the day  
She crossed our borders and took you away.  
Three years did I spend without a father;  
That is to say nothing of my poor coz,  
For her father's death ignited this war.  
Each day I curse that fateful visiting  
During which their queen claimed the late king's life.  
Many nights did I spend a-wondering:  
How did she torture him? And to what end?

KING:  
Wonder not, fair child, for we are now safe,  
As she is no longer regent of Derse.  
Their Prince Diedrick hath now come of throne's age,  
And ruled his stepmother be banishéd.

JANE:  
One tyrant for another.

KING:  
                                     Not quite so;  
He ended the war as soon as he could.

JANE:  
To start one, no doubt, with weaker countries.  
I dare not think any better of him  
For I'll be disappointed if I do.  
His blood is hers, by nurture if not birth.  
Thus, I will loathe him, 'til he proves his worth.

[ _enter JAKE_ ]

JAKE:  
Tally ho, my good madam and my king!  
I've arrived back from the messenger's stand.

KING:  
Bringest thou news?

JAKE:  
                                Indubitably, sir!

KING:  
Then let us hear it.

JAKE:  
                              I cannot read, sir.

KING:  
Then give it to me. 'Tis no bother, child.

JAKE:  
Thank you; the letter's here, your majesty.

[ _he gives the KING a letter._ ]

KING:  
“To King Crocker from Prince Diedrick the Third:  
'Tis time for peace, so let's have a few words  
About the nations that both of us rule;  
I'm sure you'll agree, for you are no fool.  
For sixteen long years have our kingdoms fought  
In a miserous war which was for naught.  
Matters of property must be addressed;  
Your fields of Langueloc I now possess  
And I'm pressed to miss the city Housteik;  
To discuss this, I'll arrive in a week.  
And another matter that cannot bide  
Is that, to be king, I must find a bride  
And between our countries, the truce cements  
With such union as my treaty's anent.  
Thus, 'tis your daughter I would like to court  
God willing, of course, by father's exhort.  
On May the thirteenth was this missive worked.  
Good health and good faith. Sincerely, Prince Dirk.”  
That's a letter indeed! Let us hurry,  
The message says he'll arrive tomorrow.

JANE:  
Ay! Soft, father! What of his proposal?

KING:  
Speak we shall of truce.

JANE:  
                                       And what of marriage?

KING:  
And what of it? He is free to woo you.  
It be far from me to dictate his choice;  
In your agreement lies my consent's voice.

JANE:  
I'll marry him not, my enemy true,  
I do not consent, and neither should you!  
With vile Dersite scum I'll not share my bed,  
Rather would I let him cut off my head!  
Nay, he would claim our kingdom for his own,  
And I'll be darned if I fall for this scheme!

KING:  
Scum he is not, but a prince of your kind.  
You must speak with him to open your mind  
Wise you would be to consider his bid;  
The truth is within your prejudice hid.  
You shall speak to him as your courtier.  
I'll go now to prepare for tomorrow.

[ _exit KING._ ]

JANE:  
Fie! 'Tis a treacherous fate I'm left to.

JAKE:  
It mayn't be quite so bad, lady Jane.  
He must court you, but he might not wed you.  
We can hope for the best!

JANE:  
                                        But cautious hope!  
I hate to say, but the argument's true:  
A marriage would cement a treaty new.  
To secure our lands, they'll secure my fate,  
Marriage is certain on a nearby date.  
Woe am I to be wed to such a beast--  
He who hath destroyed my home and kingdom,  
If not by action, then by ignorance.  
I am loath to share my country with his.  
Those murderous Dersites! Scoundrels and fiends!  
Like Diana I shall live as a maid  
And never marry for all of my days,  
Especially to such a hateful groom.

JAKE:  
Hate nurses hate, your father would say.

JANE:  
                                                                Ha!  
It does, indeed, for his hate brought up mine--  
From birth, I loathed my father's enemy  
And still continue to feel enmity.

JAKE:  
What shall you do, then, to escape this fate?  
For gladly will I duel that rapscallion  
Who dares attempt to claim you as his bride!

JANE:  
Stay your hunting pistols, my dearest friend.  
I've contrived the means to some other end.  
If all goes well, we never have to meet.  
Lend me your ears now, and please have a seat.

JAKE:  
My ears are yours, princess.

JANE:  
                                             I'll use them well;  
Sit attentive and listen to my scheme.  
I'll loan you a gown and some fine shoes, too.  
Whom he thinks is me shall truly be you!  
You'll act as a serf, instead of as me,  
As humble and slovenly as can be.

JAKE:  
As myself, then.

JANE:  
                         Do yourself more justice!  
You are no common man.

JAKE:  
                                         Ay, but I am.  
I cannot fake what is already there.  
My manners are bad, and my brains are bare.

JANE:  
You need not be learned to be a good man,  
But act as you must to deter the prince.  
He'll like me not as a wife anymore,  
I swear on all that's fair in love and war.  
And be thou my spy to out his intent!  
I'm certain for us no good things are meant.

JAKE:  
Ay, my lady, I shall do as you wish.  
But do you not believe he comes in peace?

JANE:  
Hoo hoo! Not in peace, but in treachery.  
He seeks to gain _something_ from fruitless war.  
There's been no surrender on either half,  
And with him could come assassins or rogues.  
I'm afraid all _is_ fair in love and war,  
And murder would bring him a victory.

JAKE:  
Have you no faith in a good man's good word?

JANE:  
Ay, I would, if he were but a good man.  
I trust not that he should come in treaty  
As skirmishes still litter our borders.  
There is something to be said for caution,  
For nature of man is not all rosy.  
'Tis better to suspect dubious man  
Than to be caught off-guard by treachery.  
Nay, take heed, my friend, of enemies' lies.  
Better a skeptic than caught by surprise.

JAKE:  
What would you have me do, then, my lady?

JANE:  
Discern what he says from what is the fact,  
Thus we shall contrive to see through his act.  
Believe not his honey-tonguéd sayings  
And sugar-lipped declarations of love.  
Take note of his words and tell them to me.  
Meanwhile, I'll do some research of my own:  
I'll clothe myself in a simple maid's dress,  
For what is one maid, be it more or less?  
This will afford me interior sight  
To discover his plans for royal plight.

JAKE:  
A veritable plan, indeed, princess.  
Certain am I ‘twill be an adventure.

JANE:  
Careful what you wish for. Now let's make haste.  
We must prepare now; there's no time to waste.

[ _exeunt_ ]


	3. Act I, Scene 2

[ _A camp in the evening. DIRK, ROXY, and one or two servants_.]

ROXY:  
Dusk's hazy dressing-gown has kissed the land,  
And but an hour ago have we stopped.  
What stays my prince from travel through the night?

DIRK:  
Blunt as ever, I see, by the moon's light.

ROXY:  
I think you attempt to distract me, Dirk.  
You can hide it not that you are anxious;  
Normally would we travel on in night.  
Tell me, my kinsman, what ails you this eve?

DIRK:  
My gentle adviser and cousin dear,  
I doth worry not nor do I have fear  
For the meeting that will seal Derse's fate;  
'Tis just my observation day grows late.  
Things are going great, if you have to ask.  
Let us focus now on some other task.

ROXY:  
You fool me not, Dirk, I know you too well.  
Your first audience with a king awaits,  
As does a bride who you never have met.  
Marry, I pray you feel less nervous yet.

DIRK:  
That very “marry” is the theme of mine  
Which, henceforth concerning, is but a sign  
That I am fine to take my kingdom's throne;  
Heaven forbid I should go it alone.  
'Tis but a necessary yoke to bear  
And 'tis one of which I am well aware--  
And I have no fear her heart won't be won  
I'll have a bride when all is said and done.  
The peace twixt our lands that we will create  
Is a bond strong no one can abrogate.

ROXY:  
Oh, Dirky, must you always talk of state?  
There's more to life than politics, you know,  
What of friendship, good wine, humor, and love?

DIRK:  
I take great joy from my courtiers' wit,  
As before a fine glass of Port I sit.  
And as to loving, I have not a fright  
Of getting me some fine arse in the night.

ROXY:  
That isn't love, but the basest desire.

DIRK:  
What more is love but a flicker of fire,  
A temporary feeling of passion  
Meant to pass the time in such a fashion  
As wenches may dream of in easy times  
Or as stories told in nursery rhymes?  
The only true love is love between kin;  
I dare not hope for true love to begin.

ROXY:  
It is clear you have never been in love.

DIRK:  
Nor shall I ever be, thank God above.

ROXY:  
Now cease thou in thy words of distraction.  
Tell me what is wrong. I know something is.  
Long have I been your confidante, cousin.  
I was the first told of your loyalties,  
Which were to Derse and not to the last queen.

DIRK:  
I would that she were the last queen, indeed,  
And that of marriage, I would have no need.  
I have no desire to marry a bride,  
I am too young yet; there's still time to bide.

ROXY:  
Aha, so still would you sow your wild oats.

DIRK:  
Nay, cousin, I have had enough of that.  
Many a wench have I sown my seed at.  
How fares this marriage is how fares the state,  
'Tis a duty and privilege too great.  
By faith on all that's fair forevermore,  
It could bring us to peace or even war.  
But let's not speak like she's already won,  
No need to worry 'til courtship's begun.

ROXY:  
What if I were to do retconnuisance?

DIRK:  
It's “reconnaissance”.

ROXY:  
                                  Bah! It's all the same.  
Recall the days I was a lady rogue,  
A spy against your stepmother the queen.  
I'll study the princess-- follow her, too  
Thus will I find out if she's right for you.

DIRK:  
You're kind to offer your services such,  
But do as it please you. I thank you much.

ROXY:  
Then I shall turn into a rogue again,  
And seek out the best wife for my cousin.

DIRK:  
If that is what you wish, let it be so.  
But hark! A traveler is coming fro.

[ _enter JADE._ ]

DIRK:  
Greetings, dear madam, by stars shining bright.  
I notice you travel on late this night.

JADE:  
Ay, 'tis so. I travel 'til the morning,  
For I've miles to go before I sleep.

ROXY:  
To which location are you traveling?

JADE:  
I ride towards Prospit's castle tonight.  
A few friends of mine need assistance there  
And it has been long since I've visited.

DIRK:  
We head there as well, in search of the King,  
With much to discuss and an offering.  
Our horses tire, so tonight we rest.  
Good luck. See you there. I wish you the best.

JADE [ _mysteriously_ ]:  
Be wise, Prince Dirk, listen well and take heed,  
For soon you'll fall under no witch's spell.  
Let feelings of love in you rise and breed,  
Under the touch of who makes your heart swell.  
You who have scorned your emotions this way  
Will now feel within you emotions grow.  
You'll have nary a thought or word to say  
Against a love that is happening so.  
Let you so jaded fall for eyes of green,  
And a cheerful smile as bright as the sun.  
They are whom you'll take as a future queen,  
Through me let the Goddess's will be done!  
   Let this be sealed with the blood that I bleed  
   Be wise, Prince Dirk, listen well and take heed.

[ _a bright light falls on the prince, unbidden._ ]

ROXY:  
Ay me, what happened? Did you see that, too?

DIRK:  
I saw it as well, but doubt that it's true.

JADE [ _happily_ ]:  
Anyways, fare thee well. Have a good night!  
I must travel on 'til the morning bright.

[ _exit JADE._ ]

ROXY:  
A bizarre encounter that was indeed,  
And by faith, I dare say that was a witch--  
Not of bubble, bubble, toil and trouble!  
Nay, she was a kind witch. And also right!  
You needed a spell to augment your love.  
So that you may finally loosen up.

DIRK:  
Very funny, Roxy. Now sober be.  
I'm certain she was just joking at me.  
A funny joke, but let's be serious:  
Me, in love? You're going delirious.  
And as for her magic, it don't make sense  
I don't buy into it one single pence--  
And I ain't so tense that I need a spell.  
I too can relax and I do it well.

ROXY:   
Ha ha, sure, whatever you say, Dirky.  
I know your concerns as well as you do.  
You worry this new love will hinder you,  
Stopping you from pursuing the princess.

DIRK:  
Damn it, my cousin, will you get the gist?  
I'll tell you straight: Magic doesn't exist.

ROXY:  
Aha! So I'm right.

DIRK:  
                       Yeah, you always are,  
Even if this time, the fetching is far.  
But let's speak of it not, and go to rest.  
Early to bed, early to rise is best.

[ _exit DIRK._ ]

ROXY:  
I swear on all that's fair in love and war,  
Tomorrow I'll get him to talk some more.

[ _exeunt_ ]


	4. Act I, Scene 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just finished the play today. I'll post the rest of it over the course of the next week or so.

[ _Jehanne’s balcony. Dave stands below. Jehanne enters, clad in her nightgown, above._ ]

DAVE:  
Lo soft, what light through yonder window breaks?  
Beauty like the sun glowing off a lake,  
A fairer appearance that takes the cake:  
The only Jehanne Egbert, accept no fakes!  
In your bedazzling wake I dare to bask,  
There’s only one question I’ve gotta ask--  
Was there ever such a girl God did make?  
But what a light through yonder window breaks!

JEHANNE:  
Stop ironically quoting bad plays.  
We both know that you have much better taste.

DAVE:  
My taste in plays are those that do impress  
Unlike the bad plays with which you’re obsessed.  
Are you joking, girl, Shakespeare is the best!  
He laid the greatest rhymes with great finesse.  
Let me address your taste in dreary plays;  
Sir Cage is boring, you read him for days.

JEHANNE:  
Don’t even bring up Sir Nicolas Cage.  
I’d take him over Shakespeare any day!  
His plays are both fun and relatable,  
And no messing with iambic-whatsits!

DAVE:  
It’s iambic pentameter, you know  
But enough! Let us talk about my bro.  
He’s gonna be in Prospit tomorrow,  
So tonight’s the night that I’ve gotta go.  
He thinks this whole time, I’ve been in LOHAC;  
Before he sees me I’ve got to get back.  
Let’s enjoy my last minutes as your beau  
Before I fly away like I’m a crow.

JEHANNE:  
You’ll be more than a beau when Jade gets here;  
She said she would have us married tonight--  
My dressmaker waits inside as witness.  
Must you truly leave when the sunrise comes?  
I would that you share my bed ‘til the morn.

DAVE:  
She is not here and it grows later yet  
Or else for the marriage we’d have been set.  
I’m not too worried, but late does it get  
So if I were old I’d pop a gasket.  
She should see that this ain’t impetuous!  
Gotta break a sweat like she’s Equius,  
Unless she wants to be a blanket wet  
When she shows up even later, I bet.  
You must let me leave ‘fore the sun comes up  
The only condition to our pre-nup:  
I’ll rupture if my brother finds me here--  
Though reluctant, I shall leave you, my dear.

JEHANNE:  
I only wish that we could have more time  
For you are my best friend as well as love.  
I cannot believe I am saying this,  
But I’ll start to miss your incessant talk.  
Your company kept me warm for ten months,  
When the bleakest void of the war took place.  
Your arms held me when it seemed hope was lost,  
And you brought the laughter back to my face.  
I would that you join me after we’re wed,  
For I’ve medlars and apples aplenty,  
And we could both share my dowry of fruit,  
Though meager offerings for a wedding.

DAVE:  
You’d like me to eat your open-arses,  
As maids do call medlars in their farces  
I don’t mean to take your words by parses  
But the word’s meanings can be rather sparse.

JEHANNE [ _laughing_ ]:  
O, you fiend! I didn’t mean it that way!  
Just in friendship, not sexuality!  
You are no Romeo—a louse, at that!  
‘Tis a wonder that it’s you I’ve chosen.

DAVE:  
You love me still in spite of faults of mine  
Though I may act like an uncultured swine  
‘Tis a border you walk; a fine, fine line  
With words and the meanings that we assign.  
I admit I pine to hold you with love  
As bawdy, inappropriate speech proves  
But there’s no time for that, so I won’t whine,  
And let us on medlars and apples dine.

JEHANNE:  
Such sarcasm.

DAVE:  
                      It comes from the divine,  
A wit that rises when the stars align.

JEHANNE:  
It is true I wish you would share my bed--  
I’d be lying if I said otherwise.  
But have you no fear of my uncle’s wrath?  
Woe betides he who claims my maidenhead--  
At least in the case my uncle finds out.  
No better foster could there be for me,  
But I am guarded as if I were his.

DAVE:  
Ay, it is better to wed and not sleep  
Than be brought to slaughter as if a sheep.

ROSE [ _within_ ]:  
Your majesty, I have finished your veil,  
And now I entreat you to come inside  
For a wedding dress on your bed is lied,  
And a train which I shall pin on your tail.

JEHANNE:  
My dressmaker calls me. Inside I’ll go.  
Let you wait for me now by the moon’s glow.

[ _exit Jehanne_ ]


	5. Act II, Scene 1

[ _Jehanne’s balcony, morning. Dave is still outside, asleep on his feet. Jehanne enters above, dressed in her wedding clothes._ ]

JEHANNE [ _yawning_ ]:  
O bright, what light through my balcony breaks?  
It is dawn, her rose-red fingers stretching.

[ _enter Rose._ ]

ROSE:  
Currently, I must return to my work.  
My lady, I must go home with the sun  
For I’ve hemmings and knittings to be done  
And my master can be sometimes a jerk.

JEHANNE:  
Sorry you waited all night for me, Rose.  
Here is your pay for the dress. See you ‘round.

[ _exit Rose._ ]

JEHANNE:  
Dave! Wake up, Dave! Dave Strider!

DAVE:  
                                                             Huh, what who?  
Could it be that today is a day new?  
Jesus goddamn Christ, is it really true?  
Yet I woke up covered in morning dew.  
The hours passed on me by far too fast,  
I was supposed to leave the night of last!  
I have got no idea what I should do  
Yet later it grows and the sky turns blue.

JEHANNE:  
But soft! There’s no time to deliberate;  
I see a servant coming from the East!  
Quickly, hurry up my balcony!  
You simply cannot afford to be caught!

[ _Dave ascends the balcony and hides. A servant enters._ ]

SERVANT:  
‘Lo, Princess! Top of the morning to you.  
Your uncle the king sent me for flowers.  
Are you all right? I thought I saw a man.

JEHANNE:  
Hehe, a man? What man? There was no man!  
Nay, ‘twas an apparition of the light.  
I am the only one here this morning.

SERVANT:  
Ah, I thought so. I apologize, miss.  
Do you know where the chrysanthemums are?

JEHANNE:  
In the gardens to the West.

SERVANT:  
                                           Thank ye much.  
Have a lovely day, my princess.

JEHANNE:  
                                                  You too!

[ _exit servant._ ]

DAVE [ _stage whisper_ ]:  
Has the servant yet left? Are they quite gone?  
I never fathomed a servant at dawn.

JEHANNE:  
You know the castle is early active.

[ _Dave ceases hiding._ ]

DAVE:  
Ay, I do know it well, my dear Jehanne  
As I’ve experienced from the days passed on  
For I am the stepson of thine rival  
In this land, I must hide for survival  
I’ve always left ‘fore the curtains are drawn;  
Alas! In your hands I am but a pawn.

JEHANNE:  
Stop being so melodramatic, dork.  
No one but yourself dares to hold you here  
And even if you were a piece in chess,  
You’d warrant at the very least a knight.  
Come now, sir knight, and kiss your maiden fair,  
As I run my fingers through your gilt hair.

[ _Jehanne kisses Dave._ ]

DAVE:  
It makes my heart patter to see you dressed  
In your wedding clothes and by me abreast.  
Do you think that we could go have some rest?  
I’d like to have you curled atop my chest  
For I have not slept a wink all last night  
So now I could sleep through the morning bright.  
A logical matter to be addressed—  
Let us as lovebirds return to our nest.

[ _Dave holds Jehanne._ ]

JEHANNE:  
If I set out a sign before my door  
Perhaps then, nobody will bother us.  
I, too, am tired from staying awake.  
Lack of sleep does not a happy Jehanne make.

[ _enter Jade below._ ]

JADE:  
Hark, Princess Jehanne! Are you awake up there?  
I offer you sincere apologies;  
I was accosted by a band of thieves  
Not long after I set out on journey.  
For nearly an hour I fought the rogues;  
I waited four more for centurions.  
That’s the consequence of heeding the law!  
I do so ever hope I’m not too late.  
Are you two still wanting to get married?

DAVE:  
Ay, yes, we are, but the timing’s not right;  
You really should’ve been here late last night  
For now it’s too late for me to take flight;  
I cannot escape by the morning light.  
It will be a fight to get out of here!  
To avoid guards, I’d have to be a seer!  
I wouldn’t take it hard or as a plight  
‘Cept that I’m stuck with no escape in sight!

JADE:  
Calm down! At peace! I said I was sorry.  
Now do you want to get married or not?

JEHANNE:  
Gladly would we wed anon this morning,  
But we have no one to serve as witness.  
I trusted only my dressmaker Rose,  
She who has alas returned to her work.

JADE:  
Tis a most unfortunate circumstance.  
Without a witness, you cannot marry—  
It is a rule all the goddesses have.  
Even the Christian God by which you swear  
Must have third party be made aware.  
Hark, though, for my ears detect a servant!  
Quickly, sir Dave, hide thee away!

[ _Dave hides._ ]

JADE:

                                                        Hello!

[ _second servant enters._ ]

SERVANT 2:  
Greetings, mistress Jade, good witch of Prospit.  
What brings ye to our kingdom this morning?

JADE:  
Well… er… ‘tis a funny thing you should ask.

SERVANT:  
Could you be here to bless the princess Jane?

JADE:  
Uh… yes?

SERVANT:  
                 ‘Tis a marvelous thing, marriage.

JEHANNE:  
Marriage? What marriage? There is no marriage!

SERVANT:  
Is it possible you have not yet heard?  
Well, ‘tis no matter, for you’ll find out now.  
The Prince of Derse comes here to court fair Jane  
As he and the king compose a treaty.  
‘Tis likely a marriage shall soon be made.  
Now, I must be on my way; good morrow.

[ _servant exits. Dave unhides._ ]

JEHANNE:  
Why, sir David, you fiendish man, scoundrel!  
To think you could wed both my coz and I!

DAVE:  
Wait what who? I believe you are confused,  
Love in that way I would never abuse!

JEHANNE:  
But you are the Prince of Derse, are you not?

DAVE:  
Yes, the “Prince of Derse” is a name I use  
But I must say (believe me if you choose)  
I am the Prince of Derse, yet I am not  
For it is my brother who fills that spot.

JEHANNE:  
Hehe, I know, it was merely in jest.  
I really enjoy seeing you flustered.

DAVE:  
Ah, I should have known that it was a ruse.  
My brother’s existence is not new news.

JADE:  
You are quite the joker, as usual.  
Apparently I have a Jane to bless,  
So I’ll bid you farewell. Have a good rest.

[ _exit Jade._ ]

JEHANNE:  
Let us both head to bed for a brief nap,  
Then we shall go find out what is the haps.

[ _exeunt._ ]


	6. Act II, Scene 2

[A palace in Prospit, midday. The King and his lords await the Prince.]

KING:  
What time is it?

LORD 1:  
                         ‘Tis half past eleven.

KING:  
Alas! The anxious hours drag on long.  
Here, servant—how fares the evening feast?

SERVANT 1:  
The roasts have been cleaned and set to season  
With packets of herbs freshly picked this morn.  
I expect now they’ll be set on the spit  
And shall be ready at just the right time.  
Meanwhile, the kitchenhands pick vegetables  
And sugar for the cake has been procured.  
Worry not, your highness, all is in place.

KING:  
Perhaps I ought to bake the cake myself.

SERVANT 1:  
At peace, your majesty, it will be fine.  
We have checked the recipe thrice times nine.

[ _enter Jake, dressed as Jane, stage left and Jane, dressed as a maid, stage right._ ]

KING:  
Ah, good morrow, my daughter. How fares thee?  
I am proud that you should be here today.  
Have you at last put aside your hatred?

JAKE:  
Er, um…

[ _he looks towards Jane, who nods vigorously._ ]

JAKE:  
                Yes! I have indeed, your highness.

[ _Jane shakes her head, moving her hands in an “X” pattern._ ]

JAKE:  
I mean, yes, _father_! I’ve cast it away!  
My prejudice for the prince is no more.  
I daresay I’m open to his advance.

[ _Jane smacks herself in the face and drags her hand down it._ ]

KING:  
I feel fierce pride for your maturity.  
Hmm… you even look different today.

[ _the King squints._ ]

KING:  
Could it be the emblem across your chest?  
Or—wait, no—is that a newly made dress?

JAKE:  
Er, I… uh, well, um…

[ _a trumpet suddenly sounds. Servant 2 enters._ ]

SERVANT 2:  
                                    The Prince has arrived!  
Announcing Prince Diedrick Strider the Third!

[ _enter Dirk and his attendants. Dirk and co. bow politely before the king. The King’s court returns the gesture._ ]

DIRK:  
Hello, King Crocker, it’s nice to meet you;  
With grace and respect is how I greet you.  
Treaties I look forward to discussing  
Let’s get to it without any fussing—

JAKE [ _rapping_ ]:  
Suss it out and put the kibosh on it?  
Heal this war like a restoring tonic!

KING [ _aside to Jake_ ]:  
For what reason are you interrupting?  
This act, my daughter, is most unlike you!

DIRK:  
Yes, that’s exactly what I meant to say.  
A question I must ask you, if I may,  
Is to pose query what your name could be,  
This lady whose words come clever and free.

KING:  
This is Princess Jane, of whom I am proud  
To say is my daughter and only child.

DIRK [ _aside to audience_ ]:  
So this is Princess Jane, so fair and bright.  
My heart beats heavy and my chest grows tight.  
There’s light, I think, in her emerald eyes,  
A treasure more than just family ties.  
The skin of her cheek could put silk to shame  
In the softness by which it derives fame  
No spell could be to blame for what I feel  
‘Tis newfound

[ _the music to “Call Me Maybe” suddenly starts playing_.]

                       Love at first sight and it’s real  
But it’s in my way. Her stare is holding  
Her peculiar tongue, humor’s showing.  
With her raven-black hair, she is blowing  
Me away—my sanity is going~!  
Ah, I just met her, and this is crazy,  
But could this really be true love maybe?  
It is hard to look right at her, ay me!  
I think that this could be true love maybe.

[ _just as suddenly as it began, the music stops. Dirk ceases singing and shakes his head._ ]

‘Tis the truth to say I’m losing my mind  
Yet it feels pleasant, I’m afraid to find.

JAKE:  
Greetings, Prince Dirk. A pleasure to meet you!

DIRK [ _to Jake_ ]:  
The pleasure is mine to be meeting thee.  
I’m assured of your help in the treaty.

[ _Jake looks to Jane; Jane shakes her head “no”._ ]

JAKE:  
Er, I’m ‘fraid I shan’t be speaking with you.  
‘Tis business between you and my father.

KING:  
Nonsense, my girl, you are welcome to stay.  
Often do you have ideas worth hearing.

[ _Jake looks at Jane nervously; she shakes her head harder._ ]

JAKE:  
Ha ha ha, you give me too much credit!

DIRK:  
Credit gives as credit does, I have learned.  
You’d not be given credit never earned.  
That said, let’s get to the matter at hand:  
Forming alliance between our two lands.

KING:  
Where is the scribe?

SCRIBE:  
                                I am here, your highness.  
KING:  
Be prepared to write down all that we say.  
O’er the course of the war we have lost much,  
On the sides of both your country and mine.  
Let us begin with the lands of Harkness,  
Lost to me nearly sixteen years ago.

DIRK:  
That land was never Derse’s property;  
Sorry to correct you so awkwardly.  
I thought that was a place law was eschewed,  
Terrorized by the wicked Minuit Crew.  
It is news to me that it once was yours,  
A place even my stepmother abhorred!

KING:  
Then what of the battles that took place there?

DIRK:  
Perhaps they were rogues. I wasn’t aware.  
No more than one battle was at Harkness.  
It was the first fight that we must address.  
I thought Derse lost—but Prospit did as well.  
It was a no-man’s land. Let’s give them hell.

JANE [ _aside to audience_ ]:  
What lies he speaks, as if they were the truth!  
Those hateful Dersites, feigning innocence!  
Why, I suppose it was all a mistake,  
A mere misunderstanding between us.  
Pah! This story is by far too farfetch’d.  
What scoundrels and rogues and beings so wretch’d.

JAKE [ _confused_ ]:  
I thought we were going to END the war,  
And yet you speak of starting one anew?

KING:  
Ay, yes, but a war against lawlessness.

DIRK:  
Assist you I would in this righteous fight  
But my soldiers have qualms about your knights.  
After years of war, they would not obey;  
At the best, their allegiance would be grey.

KING:  
Then the matter of Harkness is settled.

DIRK:  
Let’s next discuss a land we took from you  
Whose citizens have become Dersites true.  
It is the province known as Azharot;  
That it was Prospit’s they have quite forgot  
So I’m not quite sure that you still want it,  
For I think the people would throw a fit.

KING:  
We lost Azharot fifteen years ago;  
‘Twas the first successful Dersite capture.  
You’d caught the heart of Prospit perfumery  
And since, our trade has suffered immensely.  
If at all possible, I want it back  
For ‘tis an industry of which I lack.

DIRK:  
Azharot is a place I can’t return  
They are loyal to Derse and will not turn.  
They’ve produced little in the face of war  
Except for aconite and hellebore.  
Though still does majoram and rose remain  
Most of the plants now are for causing pain,  
So it’s plain to see that a lot has changed.  
I’m sure that something else can be arranged.

JANE [ _aside to audience_ ]:  
Thou dankish, base-court fustilarian!  
To transform a place of beauty this way!  
‘Tis like a Dersite to bring death to peace  
As he brought poison to perfumery.  
Why, his very person’s toxicity  
Is more loathsome than I had predicted.  
I must therefore warn Jake to well take heed;  
This is information that he will need.

[ _Jane sneaks over to Jake._ ]

KING:  
What a matter it is, to change so fast!  
With whom have you replaced my baron there?

DIRK:  
After your baron was the Duke of Cave:  
Sir Equius, so strong, unlike a knave.  
He saved Derse’s lands of Wilbertushire  
With all the horses that he let for hire.  
To rule Azharot, he is quite a fit;  
At my knight’s table, beside me he sits.

KING:  
I refuse to sit here and let this pass!  
What will it take for you to give it back?

JAKE:  
How about this: why not share Azharot?  
Just split it in half, one side to you both?

[ _Jane smacks her face in frustration._ ]

JANE [ _aside to Jake_ ]:  
No, Jake, no, we cannot split a province!  
To do so would be admitting defeat.  
Azharot was ours before war began;  
Ours it will remain when my father dies.  
Surely there is some land Derse also lost,  
Which has converted to Prospitan ways.  
Aha! Housteik! Let us trade it for that.

JAKE [ _hurriedly_ ]:  
Or, um, you can keep it for our Housteik,  
A city we veritably captured?

DIRK:  
Then you may keep Housteik if you so choose.  
I’ll not the trust of my subjects abuse.

KING:  
Are you quite certain? Housteik is costal.  
We have used it as a port all these years.

DIRK:  
Then by all means let us now save the trade,  
For you own the river by where it’s laid.  
It would help you more than it would help us  
Let’s just leave it as is, no need to fuss.  
And thus, I come to a question to pose;  
A trade agreement is what I propose  
To cement the alliance we shall make  
Let’s start item transfer of give and take.

KING:  
Very well. I agree it would be best  
To engage in trading for trading’s sake.  
What goods does your country have to offer?

DIRK:  
Out in Derse we have plentiful textiles  
Fine and high quality, made by the mile,  
And guns of all types for your hunting needs  
And mirrors and windows and stained glass beads.

KING:  
From colonies abroad comes sugar sweet,  
Colored silk ribbons and porcelain smooth.  
We also have furs, whalebone, and pepper;  
And too we export lumber and red wine.  
Let it be said we shall trade at the ports  
And all of our merchants will be cohorts.

DIRK:  
Yes. It shall be a relationship fine  
That will be forged twixt your merchants and mine.

KING:  
Let me next ask of you a query;  
I would like to know about Langueloc.  
You mentioned in your letter the state’s name,  
Indicating a possible exchange.  
The fields used to be Prospit’s breadbasket,  
My people have starved these months without it.  
‘Twas most vile warfare that you played that day.  
Return it and be a most healing aid.

DIRK:  
It has been a place of fertile red soil  
But it has been to Prospit most loyal.  
The day of its capture, people rebelled  
Burning the fields down in mirror of hell.  
And no more do they care to farm the land--  
Langueloc has wilted under Derse hands.  
I am not certain that you want it still;  
To whom it goes shall depend on your will.

KING:  
For what reason dared they destroy their crop?  
They have condemned themselves to starvation!  
I only hope they found shelter elsewhere.

DIRK:  
Last I was there it seemed rather stranded,  
The roads lined with trash and animals dead.  
To clean up that place would be quite a feat.  
Derse won the battle, but we were still beat.

JANE [ _stage-whisper to Jake_ ]:  
Say that from the ashes do new plants rise…

JAKE:  
Perhaps from the ashes do new plants rise…

JANE [ _still stage-whispering_ ]:  
And, “under our rule, Langueloc will thrive.”

JAKE:  
And under our rule, angry lock surprise.

JANE [ _angry stage-whispering_ ]:  
No, _Langueloc will thrive_!

JAKE:  
                                           Er, um, I mean,  
And under our rule, Langueloc will _thrive_!

KING:  
‘Tis odd you should make such a change of phrase,  
But it’s well said and your point is well made.  
Give back Langueloc; we’ll return to you  
The land of Bangor, home of Dersites true.

DIRK:  
It is a most fair trade, I doth agree  
‘Tis excellent exchange I’d like to see.

KING:  
It is done. Write that down. Let it be so.  
Would you like to take a break?

DIRK:  
                                                   Let us go.

[ _exeunt_ ]


	7. Act II, Scene 3

[ _A small, private library. Jane and Jake enter._ ]

JANE:  
Now we’re away, let us secretly speak  
What thought had you of this morning’s events?

JAKE:  
To be a lady is no easy feat!  
Of how to speak right I have no idea.  
Always is there something correct to say,  
And never do I stumble upon it.  
I’ve never spoken so in court before,  
Where mere words bear so much of the world’s weight.  
One small missaying condemns a whole state!  
I fear that I may never speak again  
Over the concern of my words’ effects.  
Gadzooks! Why, it seems like just yesterday  
I was flapping my gums with great vigor.  
Which is to say nothing of the clothing;  
I find it is difficult to breathe in.

JANE:  
Lucky we are that they kept the peace,  
For some of your ideas were very poor.   
To split Azharot! O, what a concept!  
We would fight over every inch of soil.  
Not saying that you are at fault, of course.  
With luck, you’ve ruined the prince’s rapport!  
Undoubtedly, you have turned him from you  
And therefore, from me, if telling is true.

JAKE:  
He doesn’t seem like that bad of a chap.  
I even daresay he’s honest and just!

JANE:  
Ay me! It seems like you fell for his lies,  
For he is quite cunning, to our surprise.  
Doth you believe his incredulous words?  
I say that, buster, this is quite absurd!  
He knew very well that Harkness was ours,  
And Azharot would never change to Derse ways,  
For loyal to Prospit they all once were,  
Before King Egbert was murdered by Derse.  
Now what a mess doth litter our borders,  
All for the cause of a Dersite murder!  
‘Twould serve Dirk right to be killed on our land,  
Mere retribution for faults of the past.

JAKE:  
Ay me, madam! ‘Tis an assumption fast  
You make in the wake of your own pain.  
The former king’s death was so long ago,  
To avenge it now would be pointless rage.  
You’re starting to scare me. I’m quite afraid.

JANE:  
‘Tis not just my uncle I’ve to avenge,  
But all the pain my people suffered through.  
You would know not, as you are but a page,  
Struggles and worries that came with the war.  
People starved, Jake, and whole families died.  
Fathers were lost and their children did cry.  
Let me say now, if I may be so bold,  
That revenge is a dish that’s best served cold.

JAKE:  
You’re frightening me, my lady. I’m scared!  
Surely you can’t mean what you’re implying!

JANE [ _softening_ ]:  
Oh, darling Jake, I see you are crying.  
Perhaps let us wait and try to make peace.  
I swear on all that’s fair in love and war,  
I shall not talk about it anymore.

[ _enter Servant._ ]

SERVANT:  
Princess!

[ _Jake doesn’t realize he’s being spoken to; a beat of silence._ ]

SERVANT:  
               Princess?

[ _Jane nudges Jake._ ]

JAKE:  
                               Uh, yes!?

SERVANT:  
                                                 Your father speaks,  
He wishes you know he’s going outside.  
He, the Prince, and his nobles go to ride,  
And perhaps they will hunt some partridges.

[ _exit Servant._ ]

JAKE [ _excitedly_ ]:  
A hunt! Superb! I’ll go fetch my chamber!

[ _he begins to go; Jane stops him by grabbing his collar._ ]

JANE:  
No, for you’re needed as a chamberer.  
Come with me now, you must wash for dinner.

JAKE:  
Alas! The trials of being a lass!  
Grateful am I that this too soon shall pass.

[ _Jane and Jake exit. Roxy emerges from behind a bookshelf._ ]

ROXY:  
What a shock this is, a devious trick!  
I hath bitten my nails down to the quick  
For taken was I with so much suspense  
Anent the plan that the princess devised.  
Dressed as a mere maid, she plots to kill Dirk,  
While her pretty page distracts him with love.  
I must let him know immediately!  
An oath evermore on all that’s fair,  
None shall hurt my cousin, this I do swear.

[ _exeunt._ ]


	8. Act II, Scene 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry; I keep forgetting that I haven't uploaded it all on here.

[ _Outside. The king, Dirk, and their attendants on horses._ ]

DIRK:  
Here by your castle, you have lovely grounds.  
Much in Prospit is beautiful, I’ve found.  
Your daughter is so fair with humors well;  
Never before have I seen such a belle.  
You are right to have in her utmost pride.  
If you’ll allow, I want her as my bride.  
I can’t hide the fact that I need to wed  
If but having me be put in her head.

KING:  
‘Tis she and not I that you should speak to.  
My agreement is naught to match with hers.  
If she doth love you by all that is fair  
Then to be a naysayer, I’ll not dare.

DIRK:  
By all that’s fair—‘tis the lady herself!  
All to be seen by the oracle Delph.  
Fair as in lovely and fair as in just,  
To love her I do, as love her I must.  
Comedy she had—to split Azharot!  
By her strange humor I am quite besot.

KING:  
She does seem strange today, I must admit.  
Perhaps she is made nervous this morning.  
Last night, she was quite against the marriage,  
But today she would a willing bride make.  
She said she was open to your advance.  
Better get courting while you have the chance.

DIRK:  
I shall court her indeed, for I am blessed  
To have your permission. I’ll court her best.

KING:  
But I have a question to ask of you:  
Is your love for my daughter real and true?  
Or are you just aiming to wed for land?  
The future of Prospit lays in her hands.

DIRK:  
Were your daughter’s dowry naught but a pear,  
Still would I love her, loving made aware.  
She doth pique in me most curious thoughts  
And feelings which I have had before not.  
With her eyes of green, she captured my heart.  
If I should wed her, we shall never part.

KING:  
‘Tis admirable that you love her so,  
But you said something that I must correct.  
Her eyes are as blue as the summer sky,  
The very same shade and color of mine.

DIRK:  
Perhaps they look green by the morning light,  
But lovely they are, like stars shining bright.  
They gleam with a kind of angelic charm;  
I dream of holding her safe in my arms.

[ _a pause. Dirk clears his throat._ ]

DIRK:  
But of course, that is a bit much to say.  
Immediately, I’ll court her today.

KING:  
The union between our countries grows strong  
As court Jane you shall—nothing could go wrong!

[ _the King, Dirk, and attendants gallop away. Enter Jehanne and Dave, the latter clad in knights’ armor._ ]

JEHANNE:  
It would appear that the area’s clear,  
Though, my darling, you are dressed as a knight,  
And no one but me would recognize you.

DAVE:  
Now would be the best time for me to flee  
But still I am reluctant to leave thee  
While we still have not yet joined to marry;  
I wish that you were mine very dearly.  
And it’s plain to see that I need a horse,  
From here to LOHAC is no easy course.  
Though I would have left you reluctantly  
I still can’t leave so please put up with me.

JEHANNE:  
You _still_ let us walk all the way out here!?  
Sometimes I really don’t get you, my dear.

DAVE:  
I would wed you with the Earth as witness;  
Don’t need no one’s permission to be blessed.  
You’re already clad in your wedding dress,  
Let us marry right now—at least unless  
You think such a union would be worth less.

JEHANNE:  
By the Earth, our love has been recognized.  
So mote it be and I claim you as mine.

[ _they kiss._ ]

DAVE:  
Now let us get this marriage formalized  
In a ceremony with human eyes.

[ _exeunt._ ]


	9. Act II, Scene 5

[ _A small, private library. Dirk is writing._ ]

DIRK:  
Her hair is as black as darkest night  
And her face is as clear—no, that’s not right.  
I just want to write some love poetry,  
Then perhaps I shall make her favor me.  
But no words can express my feelings true,  
I’m stuck on this poem as if it’s glue.  
I cannot quite capture the perfect beat  
And softly, I sigh out in cold defeat.  
The ideas from my pen don’t seem to flow,  
Nor do words capture her angelic glow  
And I need to write much better than this  
Before the table my forehead doth kiss.  
That “kiss” is the theme for which I must write,  
For I long to kiss her and hold her tight.  
Her silly buckteeth light up her bright grin;  
I am in love with the scar on her chin.  
I would kiss them both if only I could,  
But fie! I only kiss this desk of wood!  
William Shakespeare can go suck my cock,  
For alas! Today, I have writer’s block.

[ _enter Roxy._ ]

ROXY:  
Cousin, o coz! I’ve been looking for you!  
You shall not believe the things I’ve just heard.

DIRK:  
Wait a minute—before you say a word;  
Princess Jane’s hands, are they “soft” or “gentle”?  
Which word should I use? It drives me mental.

ROXY:  
How about “treacherous?” ‘Tis what they are.

DIRK:  
Nay, not treacherous, for they are not scarr’d.  
‘Tis hard to say. O, wouldn’t it be grand  
If I could but touch and hold her hand.  
I would then know which phrases I should use.  
What about language makes it hard to choose?

ROXY:  
Dirk, this is serious!

DIRK:  
                                I know it be;  
How else can I make her smitten with me?  
Just tell me whatever you have to say,  
Then you can help write or else go away.

ROXY:  
The princess, dear Dirk, she wishes you dead!

DIRK:  
Then would I cut off and serve her my head.  
None know the love within me she’s enflamed,  
Let it be love on which my death is blamed.

ROXY:  
Be rational, man! Start using your brain!  
She wants you to die, I’m saying it plain.  
You were so logical before today.  
What happened to the good sense you once had?

DIRK:  
‘Tis true, before today I would have laughed  
But I’m struck by fervent Cupid’s butt-shaft.

ROXY:  
Yea, you’d like your shaft to strike at her butt.  
Perhaps she is just a passing fancy.  
Don’t wish to wed her, for she’d have you killed.

DIRK:  
Then let it be done, whatever she wills.

[ _Dirk grabs his sword._ ]

DIRK:  
Within my bosom I shall sheath this sword;  
Say it was done by the Princess’s word.

ROXY:  
No!

[ _she knocks the blade from his hand._ ]

ROXY:  
      Are you mad, cousin!?

DIRK:  
                                          But mad in love,  
For she’s an angel from heaven above.  
Give me hope, cousin, that she loves me back  
Else I will be killed by the prospects black.  
I shall soon be slain by my own sharp blade  
If there’s no chance that my bride she’ll be made.

ROXY:  
She will be no bride, for she is a man,  
While the real princess schemes and plots her plan.

DIRK:  
You wound me, dear cousin, deep in my heart.  
You think me less observant than thou art.  
No lady that lovely could a man be,  
Radiant as the sun, it’s plain to see.

ROXY:  
O Dirk, you are made blind by his brightness!  
Perhaps not a man, but he is a boy.

DIRK:  
Kindly be quiet, for you doth annoy.  
To write some more lines I’ve just been inspired.  
She doth light within me the Poets’ fire.

ROXY:  
At least let me stay and guard you tonight.  
I worry for your loss of sanity.

DIRK:  
Worry not, Roxy, I’m perfectly sane,  
And soon, I hope, my queen’s heart I’ll obtain.

[ _exeunt._ ]


	10. Act III, Scene 1

[ _Morning. A small, private library. Jake and Jane enter._ ]

JANE:  
I must commend you on your work last night.  
O, I daresay it was quite the dinner!  
You sat only two seats from my father,  
And still did he not suspect anything.  
As I served you food, I saw that you used  
Your fingers to tear and eat the served bread.

JAKE:  
Am I not supposed to eat with my hands?

JANE:  
Only some things! ‘Tis very bad manners  
If you do not cut your bread with your knife.

JAKE:  
Alas! I could have sworn I did it right,  
For the prince did indeed say this to me:  
“Hands are more deft than any cutlery,  
To tear bread with fingers is luxury.”

JANE:  
‘Tis fine to eat meats and such with your hands,  
But bread is the thing that must be cut up.  
I am sorry to say that this is true,  
But likely it is he was mocking you.  
But be sorry not, for that was the plan.  
He’ll come to hate me and we’ll never wed.

JAKE:  
Or perhaps he simply agreed with me.

JANE:  
Likely he would; Dersites are ill-mannered,  
But, as a prince, he’s apt to know better.  
His manners were faultless from what I saw:  
He ate soup with a spoon and chewed close-jawed.

JAKE:  
Perhaps, then, he has no fondness for me.  
‘Tis a good thing and should fill me with glee.  
However, I feel hurt by the idea.  
I want him to like me, I am afeared.

JANE:  
You are a fellow likable enough,  
And most normal folk would find you charming,  
But he is a Dersite, hateful by law.  
Thus he may nit-pick on your every flaw.

[ _servant enters with bouquet._ ]

SERVANT:  
My lady, the prince sends you these flowers.  
He shall come here anon in the hour.  
He sends you his love and sends you his heart,  
Along with the hopes that something may start.

[ _servant hands Jake the bouquet and exits._ ]

JANE:  
What could this be? I cannot believe this!  
Does he still have the intent to marry?  
Even after all your work yesterday,  
How could he possibly still want to wed?  
For goodness’ sake, you spilled soup on his lap!  
If that did not deter him, then what would?

JAKE:  
‘Twas but a mistake and an accident.  
I am relieved that I am forgiven.

JANE:  
O, treacherous friend! Your words, they doth wound.  
I shall be forced to wed him at this rate!  
Just look at the flowers he sent to you,  
The roses are red and violets blue.  
They indicate passion and love so true,  
As purple roses show loving new.  
There’s honeysuckle for his devotion,  
And with daffodil, hopes you’ll return it.  
A rainbow of flowers he hath given,  
Each with a meaning of love in their stems.

JAKE:  
I don’t know what they mean, but they’re lovely.  
Say, what is this? I’ve found a card in them.

[ _he withdraws a card from the bouquet._ ]

JANE:  
What are you waiting for? Why not read it?

JAKE:  
Alas, my lady, I still cannot read.

JANE:  
Ay me, I forgot! Here, I’ll read for thee.

[ _he hands her the paper._ ]

JANE:  
“O, Princess Jane, thou art fairest of mind.  
I hope that in me you’ll a husband find.  
As your suitor, kindly consider me  
To be at your beck and call and mercy.”  
‘Tis all it says, I am afraid to say.  
If he could, he would wed me but today.  
How could he fall for such serf-like manners?  
Alas! I shall never understand men.  
This is not good, I don’t know what to do!  
How is it possible he fell for you?  
It is quite true that you’re a charming chap,  
But ill-suited for a snooty Dersite.  
How can I possibly avoid him now?  
We must then deter him from you somehow.

JAKE:  
Perhaps we can reveal your entire plan.  
He will not love me, for I am a man.

JANE:  
I daresay not! Do you wish to malign?  
To trick him would be the highest insult!  
He’ll be embarrassed he courted a page,  
And may break off the treaty in his rage.  
But quickly, hush, I hear someone coming.

[ _enter Dirk and the servant that beat-boxes for him._ ]

DIRK:  
Greetings, my lady and my lady’s maid.  
You heard I was coming; I’m glad you stayed.  
You, the kindly maid, are henceforth dismissed.  
In care of Miss Jane, naught will be remiss.

[ _exit Jane, reluctantly._ ]

DIRK:  
I’ve missed you, princess. How fares thee today?  
You are looking quite lovely, I must say.

JAKE:  
I’m flattered you think so and I am well.  
I ask thee in return, what are the haps?

DIRK:  
The treaty goes well. Your father is kind,  
Patient as we separate his from mine.  
But let’s not discuss political things;  
I’d rather discuss our marital rings.  
I love you dearly, I can no more hide.  
My heart would be glad if you were my bride.  
I hope you’ll think on the offer I make,  
Here I have for you a poem to take.

[ _Dirk hands Jake a scroll._ ]

JAKE:  
Um, thank you. This is all very sudden.

[ _an awkward pause._ ]

DIRK:  
If it suits you well, I shall with you plead  
That my love letter you would kindly read.

JAKE:  
Oh! Er, right. Yes, of course I shall read it.

[ _Jake unfurls the scroll._ ]

DIRK:  
Well, my lady?

JAKE:  
                        Er, pardon?

DIRK:  
                                           How is it?  
It was inspired by goddess’s visit.

JAKE:  
Uh, it’s very nice. I like this part here.

[ _Jake gestures to a random line. Dirk squints at the page._ ]

DIRK:  
Are you quite certain? That word says, “the.”  
Not what I’d choose if it were up to me.

JAKE:  
Uh, I am quite fond of simplicity.

DIRK:  
Alas! I love you exactly for this.  
I’m overwhelmed. I must give you a kiss.

[ _Dirk sweeps Jake into a kiss. Jake tears himself away from it._ ]

JAKE:  
No more, no more! I shall hide it no more;  
I cannot continue deceiving you.  
You’re very persuasive and good and kind,  
‘Tis you I’m in love with, you shall now find.  
But you’d not intend to court me at all,  
And when you find out, you will be appalled.  
There’s something to you that I must confess:  
Sorry, but I am a man in a dress!

[ _Jake runs away._ ]

DIRK:  
Alas, I had hoped my cousin was wrong,  
For I can’t deny evidence this strong.  
I won’t follow him now; rather, I’ll wait.  
How to express my internal debate?  
He is so humorous, charming, and sweet,  
And a better bride I never shall meet.  
But if I wed him, we’ll never have kids,  
His identity will have to be hid.  
This is a problem for princes as I,  
A long lamentation expressed in sighs.  
To marry someone without royal blood  
Is a way to drag your name through the mud.  
Take John of Gaunt, the Duke of Lancaster--  
Took his common mistress to the pastor.  
His son by another wife got the throne,  
Then he wed for love, was never alone.  
All of their children were claimed royal not.  
He, Henry the Fourth’s father, was forgot  
But for the rest of his days was he loved  
And his mistress’s devotion was proved.  
But still he took care of the people first,  
Therefore, I’ll have to assume the worst;  
The page won’t help the pact, it must be said.  
I must marry a princess, born and bred.

[ _exeunt._ ]


	11. Act III, Scene 2

[ _A palace in Prospit. Jehanne and Dave._ ]

JEHANNE:  
Rose promised that she would meet us right here,  
And I have sent a servant to fetch Jade.  
For half an hour now we have waited,  
And still there’s no sign of either of them.

DAVE:  
They better hurry while the sky is light  
To come on time, they should put up a fight  
Better speed up before it turns to night;  
They need to get here or else we just might  
By your uncle be mistakenly caught  
And then our whole ruse would have been for naught,  
And it worries me more than just a slight  
That Dirk will see me before I take flight.

[ _enter Dirk._ ]

DIRK:  
‘Tis too later, brother, I have seen you here.  
I’ve got words to say that are full an ear--  
In our ex-rival’s land, what did you do?  
To come here alone, I thought you knew  
Much better than that, o brother of mine  
‘Tis lucky that you’re both alive and fine.  
You’re in huge trouble when we get back home,  
As soon as we set foot on Dersite loam.

JEHANNE:  
Blame him not for this, the fault was mine.  
I seduced him while he was passing through.

[ _enter King._ ]

KING:  
Ay me! What could it be that I have heard?  
Towards this, I show disapproval stern.  
No seduction shall be done in my house,  
Certain am I that this man is a louse!  
Sweet, innocent Jehanne, come here this instant!  
‘Tis fortunate, Prince Dirk, you called me here,  
Else I’d not be privy to this plight.  
Jehanne, go to your room and stay there all night!

JEHANNE:  
No, uncle, I love him! We shall be wed;  
I swear this upon all the blood that I’ve bled.

[ _Jehanne clings to Dave._ ]

KING:  
If he has hurt you, I swear I’ll behead,  
All the bad suitors deserve to be dead!

DIRK:  
I beg of thee, King, don’t kill my brother.  
Of punishments, I still have another.  
Let him be held in this room by servants,  
For this was not what the meeting’s anent.  
While we have worked on making a treaty,  
Your daughter, she hath been deceiving me.  
By upcoming marriage, she was distressed.  
She left me, leaving a boy in a dress.  
I’ve been tricked to wooing only a man,  
While she has hid according to her plan.

KING:  
A maid, a maid! Someone fetch me a maid!  
By kids, younger than I are grey-haired made.

[ _enter Jane._ ]

KING:  
You, servant there! Go find my daughter.

JANE:  
                                                                What?

KING:  
Wait—Jane, is that you, clad in maid’s clothing?  
You’d better tell me about this whole plot!  
My eyesight is not what it used to be,  
But you are in trouble, it’s plain to see.

[ _Jane sighs._ ]

JANE:  
Yes, father, I suppose I must tell you.  
I truly don’t wish to marry this man,  
So I contrived a complicated plan.  
I dressed my page in feminine clothing,  
And told him to act badly as he can,  
This with the hopes of deterring the prince.  
I would on all that’s fair in love and war  
That I be a pure maid forever more.  
I do not feel enmity for Dersites,  
I realize that now. But, I fear marriage--  
I am a stateswoman, regal and strong,  
But if I wed, my power will be gone.

DIRK:  
I would marry your fair page in your stead,  
But for the treaty, I must share your bed.  
How else can we seal this peace-making pact?

DAVE:  
I have an idea, as a matter of fact.  
You have got a code, and I have it cracked.  
A wedding twixt the royal families  
Could maybe take place between Jehanne and me--  
A reasonable thing for us to act,  
A double-wedding by the goddess backed.  
Princess Jane stays unwed, Jehanne does not.  
If you’d not hurt me, I’d like it a lot.  
Let my brother wed the page that he wants;  
Before my people, I’ll have Jehanne to flaunt.

JEHANNE:  
What a lovely idea! Everyone wins.

KING:  
Let plans for a double-wedding begin.

[ _exeunt._ ]


	12. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt so apologetic about forgetting to update for a month that I just posted everything.

[ _A palace in Prospit. Jane enters with Jake, who is now clad in men’s clothing._ ]

JAKE:  
I’m so terribly sorry, my lady.  
I did not mean to reveal your plan.  
Furthermore, I fell in love with Prince Dirk!  
You must be horribly angry with me.

JANE:  
What’s done has been done. It’s no matter now.  
Are you prepared for the prince’s wedding?

JAKE:  
Marry, as ready as I’ll ever be  
For this marriage between you and he.

JANE:  
Oh no, ‘tis not me he marries today.  
I’m just the one who shall give you away.

JAKE:  
Wait, what!?

[ _a trumpet sounds._ ]

JANE:  
                    Look, there’s the rest of the wedding!

[ _enter the rest of the cast._ ]

DIRK:  
Greetings, my fair page. Let us meet anew.  
I am Dirk Strider, I’m in love with you.  
I shall love you forever all the same,  
But I really must ask: what is your name?

JAKE:  
I am called Jake, my gentle and good sir,  
But I am confused—why don’t you wed her?

DIRK:  
Alliance is made by a different pair,  
A love of which we are now made aware.

[ _spotlight on Jehanne and Dave. They kiss. The entire wedding party gets in position._ ]

JADE:  
Do you, Dave, take Princess Jehanne as your wife?

DAVE:  
Yes, and I’ll hold her close through every strife.

JADE:  
And do you, Prince Dirk, take Jake as your wife?

DIRK:  
I shall, and I’ll cherish him all my life.

JADE:  
Do you, Jehanne, take Dave as your husband?

JEHANNE:  
Husband for life, as I take him by hand.

JADE:  
Then do you, Jake, take Dirk as your husband?

JAKE:  
I do. O my heart, is life not so grand?

JADE:  
Then I pronounce both couples man and bride,  
For life is a horse, we’re along for the ride,  
Except, henceforth, you shall ride as a pair  
This I do proclaim by all that is fair.

[ _both couples kiss. Everyone cheers. The curtain falls._ ]

**FIN**


End file.
